[21/09/16] Jetlag and 3am thoughts

So I’m writing this in a bit of a haze where I’m half awake / half asleep. Jet lag is such a weird thing. I read this quote once which kind of captured the essence of it perfectly:

Jetlag is the universe’s way of saying “oh you think you’re so smart with your flying machines. I’ll show you.”

AND IT IS SO TRUE. Do you know how many hours in the past few years have been wasted because I’ve been jet lagged, and once I’m over the jet lag I’m stuck in this weird place where I’ve been sleeping for 12 hours but I’m still tired. What is up with that?

So there I am at 3am confused about what to do, I’m too tired to do anything, but too awake to sleep. So I begin to think, as one does, about all the things I do not want to think about. Things like, where is my life headed? Is this the life that I want? Where does one draw the line between being selfish and living life the way you want too and being selfless for the people that you love.

My generation is known as being the generation that is too selfish, that is too self-involved and is the generation that has ‘lost their way’. But what does that even mean, and why is it wrong that we’re selfish, I mean, being selfish allows us to protect ourselves doesn’t it? Being selfish in your feelings and your relationships allows you to not feel the pain, by being selfish you’re protecting your own heart, a heart that may seem strong but in reality is quite fragile. By being selfish you are working towards keeping yourself happy so that you can keep the people you love happy as well.

Selfless on the other hand is considered rare, but in my experience it isn’t rare at all. Rather people are on a spectrum, life does not work in the black and white, there’s always some grey. Selflessness for the people you love is hard, but it feels like its worth it because not only are you getting the love back, but you’re also forming relationships that are strong (for the most part) and relationships that you can trust. Primarily, you’re selfless in  your love for your family and your best friend and possibly your significant other (debatable). Putting the two together, you are selfish in trying to maintain your happiness because in doing so you are maintaining your sanity and ensuring that life is under your control which in turn allows you to be selfless for the people you love. The thing is, nothing ever seems to work out perfectly and to be honest, life is never in your control, so how do you decide where to draw that line? That line between your happiness and that need to keep others happy.

My life is a testament to the saying that things rarely work out the way you want them to. There is no control, ever, trust me. Every time I have tried to control things or plan things, the universe has said, naaah lemme just mess somethings up for you. 1 major car accident, a broken back, severe severe breakdowns and several heartbreaks later. Here I am, still trying to figure out where do I draw that line of being too selfless and letting myself get hurt over and over again or being selfish and giving everyone a big f*** you.

[Still figuring it out]

-S

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