[20/01/17] Stuck

What do you do when you feel as though your life is dull and there isn’t a particular reason for it to be dull but you cannot think of anything to fix it either. It’s the same routine everyday, I wake up and go to work (which is very rewarding btw) then I come home and see my parents and watch some TV, go in Instagram and then go to sleep. And then…repeat. Again and again.

The situation that I am in is a difficult one. Stuck between wanting to live a different life, or more so in a different place to be honest, and being there for my parents – especially my mom. It is no secret that the only reason I decided to move back to Saudi Arabia was because my mom asked me to, and I know that she needed me. So I moved back and ever since I’ve been back I’ve adapted, because what other choice do I have. My dad always praises me for the fact that I can adapt anywhere and it’s true.

Now I know this post makes it seem like I’m sad and depressed, S – you are not sad. But I am neutral. And the neutral is what I fear and this is why I feel stuck.  Growing up I’ve never really experienced consistency, we moved around till about the age of 10. That really shattered my confidence and made me shy. Moving from school to school really made it hard to connect and I formed a shell. A very thick shell. Between the ages of 10-18 I spent my time gravitating through High School and figuring myself out as best as I could. Then I graduated and found myself moving yet again but this time on my own, to Canada for University. When they say that those 4 years are going to be the best time of your life I think they don’t understand just how much those 4 years can be quite instrumental in how you view yourself and how you view the world. At least that’s how it was for me and my friends.

So here I was in 2016 returning back after finally finding myself. Much to the dismay of my mother because apparently I’ve changed too much (but that’s a story for another time). But now I am back in a place that just doesn’t fit anymore, but with the mind of an ‘adult’ who understands that sometimes you can’t get everything and that selflessness is eventually always rewarded. But this selflessness is the cause of this dullness, this lack of excitement. So here I am still trying to navigate my way through the dullness while remaining in a place that I do not like.

-S

 

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