[24/01/17] notes to myself

Another flight another city. Another day of being confused about what my life holds next or where I am headed. As I sit here typing this I have this short term picture drawn up where I know whats happening till August or who I have to be during that time, but after that its all a blur. I don’t really know where I’m headed, or with who. Sometimes there’s this fleeting moment where I finally feel like I’m not stuck anymore, that I’ve escaped the mundane and routine. But then it all goes back to the same feeling and I can’t shake the feeling that I don’t want my life to be like this forever. And honestly I don’t think it will be. But for now it just feels like this is how it is going to be for the rest of short time on earth. 

I don’t know if it’s the media or literature or even Shakespeare that has created this idea that each person must have a singular life purpose, one where you accomplish something, albeit it could be small but something that you can say was your legacy. This is a sum of your relationships and your career and what you give back to the world. And it’s great, this sense of giving back and leaving behind your legacy created the Steve Jobs and Audrey Hepburns of our world. That determination to strive for something that seems like it’s out of your reach. Igniting that need to fight the world, the technological advancements and the patriarchy. But what about the people that don’t get there, or don’t achieve that. What about them? The ‘averages’ of the world? Can we say that their life wasn’t worth it. As I write this I already have a counter argument to that (sigh the beauty of therapeutic writing). 

Of course their life is worth it. Sometimes changing the world means changing the world for one person, by saving that one person from taking that last cut, from making them believe that life gets better, from understanding that they are worth it and that life goes on. No matter what happens, it hurts, its going to hurt so much that there are days you’re going to want to die, days where you can’t see the purpose in living anymore but that pain is a reminder that you’re here and that you’re breathing. The sun will rise and set, there will still be children born and there will be people that lose, but there will be people that are winning, finding the little things and winning. So be that person that may be average but remembers that life goes on and this little speed bump, or really big speed bump won’t always last. Eventually it has to end. Everything ends. The good the bad and the neutral. So have faith that your time will come. Just make sure that you’re ready to fight – fight the constant, fight the urge to feel irrelevant, you’re only as irrelevant as you make yourself out to be. You will get over that boy or girl, you will feel better, if, that is what you want. 

[Notes to myself]

-S 

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